Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
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She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
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He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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