remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
