I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
