I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
