He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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