apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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