She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
