I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
