A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
