you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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