my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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