Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
