So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
