Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
