I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
