Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
