You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
