Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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