matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
