Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
