You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
