Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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