This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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