The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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