All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
