I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
