did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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