is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Come see our sink grown plant.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So much rum. So many feels.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
