Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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