does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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