Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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