I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
