mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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