Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
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GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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