At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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