I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
