You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
