Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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