70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
