Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
