Sorry, I don't speak sober.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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