maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
