Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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