He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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