Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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