after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
