i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
