woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
God I need to hump something, right now.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
