if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
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