My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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