i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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