Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
