He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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