so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When did angry sex become our thing?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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