I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
